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Zack's Anger Diary: Kids Don't Deserve Choices



Dear Diary …


I got some free parenting advice. Yup … free! And it’s not because I’m just so dang generous, it’s that I know nobody ain’t payin’ for my parenting advice anyway, so at least when it’s free you gotta listen.


Here goes … if you give your children choices in life. Wrong! Bad parent! You’re screwing it all up!


“But I don’t understand … I empower my young miracles to make their own decisions in their life. I’m helping them!”


No … no you’re not.


And I’ll tell you why … kids can’t handle choices.


I went to the grocery store with my son the other day and we get to the aisle that has Propel in it. If you don’t know what Propel is, it’s one of those flavored waters that comes in a 12-pack and costs $4 million and is probably one of the reasons why I can’t take a nice vacation because I’m spending my whole paycheck on Propel instead because my son drinks like a case of it a week. But it’s better than him drinking soda, so I’ll just have to suck it up and take a second job at Zaxby’s to pay for all of his fancy water.


Anyway … we get to the Propel and I say … “OK … what flavor do you want?”


[PAUSE]


Uhhhhh ….


Hmmm …


C’mon man … what flavor do you want? There’s really only like three you like anyway … so just pick one and let’s go.


[PAUSE]


Ahhhh …


“I just don’t know which one to get.”


Oh my God!


See? This is why they can’t have choices! I could see the steam puring off this poor kid’s skull as his brain was frying at the prospect of choosing Kiwi Strawberry or Grape. And that’s why normally he doesn’t come to the store with me and I just grab the dang thing off the shelf and move on.


Do NOT give them choices!


Here’s a sure sign of a parent that doesn’t know what they’re doing … watch what they do when they have a kid who plays sports and they have to bring snacks or drinks to one of the games for all of the kids. If they bring some kind of variety pack that has four different flavors or options … they are NOT a smart parent. Smart parents bring one option … totally the same for every single kid.


Because when you give them choices you end up with 11 kids who want blue Gatorade and one three bottles of blue gatorade. Not to mention the fact that every variety pack has one flavor nobody on earth wants. Nobody wants orange Gatorade. Or plain Lay’s chips. Or Funyuns. So on behalf of coaches everywhere … stop bringing those stupid things and forcing us to settle all their unnecessary disputes.


Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.



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