Zack's Anger Diary: You Dumb Avocado
Dear Diary …
Enough. Let’s tell the truth. There’s really no food on earth dumber than the avocado.
“Oh superfood … oh healthy fats …”
No food ever ends up as a waste of money more than the avocado because first and foremost one thing always reigns true …
Either the avocado you buy is hard as a rock and you gotta wait a week to even try to use this thing, or it needs to actually just be cut open and eaten right there in the store before it goes bad.
They’re just too fragile. You buy one that’s ripe, and the dang thing is gonna get bumped and bruised all the way home to your kitchen.
And if it does manage to somehow survive the ride, your challenge is now you get to take your life into your own hands by trying get that giant pit out while wielding the sharpest knife in your house like some sort of old-timey swashbuckler.
And if you do survive this trial without slashing your own wrists, you now have roughly 11 seconds to start eating the thing before it turns all shades of a dirty baby diaper.
And if you do manage to get this alleged “superfood” to your lips before this happens … what is your final reward?
A mushy weird indescribably green oddness that fills your mouth and tastes … well … meh. It’s not terrible, but was it really worth it?
Stupid avocado. And I can never get it right. I buy one avocado and it’s gone in one second and I wish I had another avocado on hand, but if I buy two, I end up with a rotting brown orb sitting on my kitchen counter that I never get around to using.
Complete waste of money.
Last week I had this dumb avocado staring me in my face in my kitchen for a couple days, and I finally break down and decide to take the thing to work and eat it for breakfast on some sad hipster avocado toast.
And as I get out of my car .... carrying a bunch of stuff … of course Mr. Roly Poly Avocado slides out of my grip and doinks onto the ground of the parking lot.
Strike one. Because now it’s all but guaranteed that half the thing is rotting before my very eyes.
And as I look down to find this avocado in the pitch dark of four o’clock in the morning … SQUISH … Strike two … stepped right on it with my foot.
Gone. Dead. No recovery here.
So I took that idiot superfood and I just winged it as hard as I could into the trees behind the radio station. Strike three you worthless avocado!
Doritos might not be good for you. But Doritos never do you dirty like the avocado.
"Superfood" my butt!
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye